Here... I'll Explain It To You.

Just Go

2012-01-25T03:41:00.000-08:00

I don't want to constantly think, "how do I continue to make this work?" For the most part, it wouldn't be "I" it would be "we." But, I don't want that question running through my mind.

I don't want to fight. I don't want to argue. I don't want to fiend for continuous reassurance. I don't want to feel jealousy. I don't want to be tied down.

I want to take trips, long walks in foreign places, laugh, talk, debate, sit by a body of water and breathe. I want to be with that someone. Lay their head in my lap or mine in theirs. Hold hands. Make appreciative and adoring love. I want to just go. Just be.

Hmm. I say these things. But in actuality, I don't know what the fuck I want.

The Strong Black Woman

2012-01-25T01:13:00.000-08:00

Is it such a great thing to be a strong black woman? I don't know. Often times I don't want to be strong. I wonder what it would be like to be that woman who isn't afraid to ask for help, who cries, who hurts, who needs a man.

... But that isn't me.

I'm Proud.
I don't ask for help because I feel I don't need it. If I get myself into a situation I can damn well get myself out of it. Even if it seems like all odds are against me, I will, with all that is in me, figure out a way to make shit work.

I'm Guarded - Lack Visible Emotion.
Nobody has gotten close enough to me to know how I REALLY feel. Certainly, they can guess, assume, wonder, speculate. But they don't KNOW. I won't let anyone break down the barriers. Nobody has the luxury of knowing what's on my mind or placing me in a vulnerable state. I don't cry. I don't express hurt or pain. Shit, I don't even verbally express love! Do I even know how to love anymore?

I deal with situations as they come. I won't allow myself to truly FEEL because it's considered a sign of weakness. I've seen some of the women in my family handle shit so well, so poised. Like Jackie O. knowing John was a womanizer. They don't show they're hurting. I can't remember the last time I saw my mother or grandmother cry. And those women in my family who DO cry, it's awkward, alarming. We don't see it often so we don't know what to do!

Nobody can tell me how to fix this. Nobody truly knows how. It's something that I've got to work out within myself. If ever.

I've been created this way. Molded. So to make a complete alteration at 25 is a daunting task.

... I don't know. I just don't know.

A Slice of Life We Don't Think About Enough

2012-01-24T23:40:00.001-08:00

UP THERE from Jon on Vimeo.

2012-01-22T22:24:00.001-08:00

Just sixº away... from six degrees on Vimeo.

2012-01-17T01:23:00.000-08:00

Kid Cudi: Journey of Mr. Rager from akidnamedGENK on Vimeo.

Stoop Sitting

2012-01-17T01:07:00.001-08:00

Everyone Forever Now - "Stoop Sitting" from Everynone on Vimeo.

And I'm Playing With YOUR Emotions?!

2011-12-05T23:04:00.001-08:00

And there I go, falling into the same repetitive trap. The same ditch. The same fucking RUT!I know it's nobody's fault but mine. Soon I'll figure out why I keep circling this drain... Eventually.

When they say they've changed, I like to give them the benefit of the doubt. (The heart saying, "It's different this time, I can feel it.") I'm smarter than that. I know it isn't different this time. But the heart can't be tamed. It goes where it wants, for whom it wants.

2011-09-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

The Desire to LIVE

2011-09-11T07:50:00.000-07:00

I got sick... But I don't feel sick. I feel fine. I'm still in a happy place because I know that eventually I'll be out of here.

With an asthma attack, cardiac arrest, increased heartbeat, a brush with death (I wanted to stop breathing because it hurt so much to try), and possible pneumonia, I feel fine. I'm happy. Maybe it's the drugs they're giving me, but I feel great because I know I'll be out of here soon enough.

When I considered death, I thought to myself "It hurts to breathe. My back hurts so bad. If I stop breathing it won't hurt anymore. I'll stop. No wait, if I die here I'll never see my nephew again. Nope, push through it Lyse... Breathe. You'll never know how much pain you can take if you don't push yourself to the limit. Breathe so you can see that baby again."

I never understood what people meant when they say that another person just gave up on living. I never understood because I thought it was just in our will, our human nature to fight for our lives. But I discovered first hand that's not the case. If we want to give up on life we will.

I love my nephew so much. He kept me alive. He is my reason for living. I kept breathing so I can see him again. Play with him again. My eyes are watering right now at the thought of it.

Find something to live for and LIVE! Don't give up on life. Don't ever give up on life.

8 Thoughts

2011-07-20T02:39:00.001-07:00

Forgive me in advance for the structure of this blog. There isn't one. A series of thoughts cloud my mind and I've the urge to share. To enlighten yet again. To possibly create a spark in the minds of the lost.

Thought 1:
I backslide at times when it comes to dealing with people. I'm hoping my personal awareness awakens awareness in others. I constantly tell myself not to deal with those who aren't true to me or true to themselves. It just doesn't make sense to associate yourself with those who can't be honest.
At times I recognize my inability to express my dislike of certain behaviors, actions, and personalities. But I am glad I can still catch myself and return to the person I am. The person I constantly strive to be.
Without complaining about behaviors I don't like, I choose to separate myself from those people. Problem solved right?

Thought 2:
As a woman, I've never found a person who talks too much attractive. Male or female. If you've ALWAYS got something to say, ALWAYS have an answer for everything, it's unattractive. A person who owns this type of personality is powerless. They can't be taken seriously from my perspective. EVER. The extent of your ignorance or intelligence is overly exposed every time you open your mouth. Shut UP.

Thought 3:
As far as relationships go... Things work out best when you stop expecting things from people! Once you realize that you don't OWN anything or anyone, you'd be surprised at how much happier you'll be. Enjoy that person and live in the present. There is no future and there never will be a future. Every day you're with that person and you're happy, that's all that matters. Don't worry about tomorrow. It doesn't exist.

Thought 4:
This whole "double standard" of the sexes. I refuse to be okay with the notion that a man can talk to multiple girls and the woman is supposed to only talk to one man. Regardless as to what society says is okay, if I like you, I will talk to you. I kissed him because I like him. And if it's no secret to you, your attitude shouldn't change.
If you like her, and it's no secret to me, I won't interfere when she's present. It makes no difference to me.

*It's called: "Not Being Messy!"*

Have some class, some couth. Be a man, or a lady about your situation.

Thought 5:
I witnessed "messiness" last night. If you're trying to play match maker and want to help 2 people get together, don't push up on him when she's gone. That's not right. You weren't stroking his hair when she was there. Don't stroke it when she leaves. What kind of friend are you?

Thought 6:
You cannot make a man do anything he's not ready to do. In no way, shape or form, will he do anything you want him to do if he doesn't want to. If he does it, and his heart isn't in it, BOTH of you will be miserable.

Thought 7:
I don't trust people. Nobody holds integrity anymore. Nobody can keep it real. People will be your best friend when you're around and talk shit when you leave. I don't need friends, I don't want friends. I've got me. I can always rely on me.

Thought 8:
Love life, love to love, discontinue claiming ownership over people and things, don't judge, stay safe, and remain true.

The Kids

2011-07-10T23:24:00.001-07:00

He is not a "little nigga"
He is not a "bastard"
He does not have to "sit his ass down somewhere"
He does not have to "shut the fuck up"
He is not stupid
He is not dumb
He was not a mistake.

He, along with the rest of the babies of the world are gifts from God. Stop cursing at your babies! They're YOUR babies! LOVE your babies! Stop telling them they ain't gon be shit! Your child does not need to hear cursing and think it's ok. Teach them respect. Teach them manners. Teach them etiquette. Read them a book instead of sitting them in front of a television all day. Give them a little hope for their future.
-Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

It's Like That

2011-07-08T20:26:00.001-07:00

Your hustle... Your grind. Your ambitions and your beliefs... They belong to you and only you. NOBODY has the right, the nerve, the audacity, the gall to tell you that you can't do what you set your mind to do.

... They'll do it anyway though. Trust they will.

But you look them in the eye, and you say nothing. The look you give them will tell them all they need to know. Often times, silence is a helluva lot louder than saying anything at all.

What you feel in your soul, they can't feel. What you dream about at night, they don't dream. So just what the fuck gives them the right to tell you who you are and what you're supposed to be doing? Who the fuck are they? You do exactly what you want to do. Exactly what your heart tells you to do.

... People will knock your hustle. They'll shoot down your dreams. They'll hate. Hard.

Release your anger the best way you know how. (Without harming anyone else of course.) If you blow tree, blow your tree. If you knock back shots, knock 'em back! But remain focused on exactly what you're trying to do. Cause in the end, the same motherfuckers who told you that you couldn't do it, will be asking for your help.

It's up to you to ignore them, or help them. At this point it won't make or break you. Dig that.

I'll Take It All

2011-07-03T13:02:00.000-07:00

Be thankful for every event in your life. Every hiccup, every downfall, every triumph. The heartaches, heartbreaks, unconditional loves and intense infatuations. Be thankful for all of them.

When negative situations arise and we find ourselves hating life and all that comes with it, take time to reflect. I say be grateful because every situation, every event, is essential to growth. It's helping you become who you're destined to be.

When friends aren't friends anymore, when the most honorable and loyal can no longer be trusted, when it seems like you're alone and all you've got is yourself, be grateful for that! You're probably asking, "Why on earth would I be thankful for loneliness?!" It's not the loneliness itself, it's being able to recognize and discard bad apples in your life. Often times, all you need is yourself. Can't you trust yourself? Can't you depend on yourself? Spare yourself the individuals who make idle promises, who love you when you're near but talk major shit when you're distant.

A relationship doesn't work out, things go terribly wrong in every way. You begin to hate each other. Don't reject any and every possible budding relationship in the future. Do you remember how that person made you feel when you first started dating? The butterflies, the bliss? You remember that don't you? Be thankful that you're still able to feel such a way, and know that you can feel that way all over again.

It's tough reassessing your thought process and changing the way you view the world and people, but it's worth it. It takes practice and constant awareness, but it can be done.

I say be grateful because every situation, every event, is essential to growth. It's helping you become who you're destined to be.

Like A Child Waiting On Santa...

2011-06-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

Suddenly alone, and my tears are all that find me. It's gonna take some time to forget.
Cause everything we know is lying broken all around me. My heart is only filled with regret. But I've gotta let go of the heartache. I've gotta hold on and try to believe that love is on the way.
I'm not afraid of the mystery of tomorrow. I've found the faith deep within. There's a promise I've made, a dream I'm gonna follow. There's another chance to begin. I can feel it here in my heart that love is on the way.

Time is turning the pages, and I don't know when... But love will find me again.

Love? Or Just The Thought Of It?

2011-06-21T07:56:00.000-07:00

If she only knew...

Right on Time

2011-06-10T10:19:00.000-07:00

What this is, is an awakening. An epiphany. A constant beating on the door begging to be let in.

The kindness, the passiveness, the trusting! No more can you let these dominate. They'll remain present, but relocated. Riding on your right is no more. Take the backseat.

The relationships you've had with others have altered. They'll soon see.

There isn't a code of ethics anymore. People lack integrity. So, what shall you do? Throw yourself into your visions. Occupy your time intensely. Trust not a soul.

Stay With Me...

2011-05-06T00:59:00.000-07:00

The brain is the object, the mind is its counterpart. The body is the object, the soul it's counterpart.

... We can't see the mind. We can't see the soul.

But we know the soul exists and we know the mind exists. Without the mind, we wouldn't be able to formulate thoughts, have dreams, etc.

We believe that once we pass, our soul lives on. Does the same apply for the mind? Surely we don't stop thinking just because the physical brain no longer functions... right?

(Stay with me now)

... If after we pass away, do we continue to think? Will it be like an everlasting dream?

You don't have the answer. I don't expect you to. I just wanted to put that on your mind.

Have A Good One

2011-04-20T07:11:00.000-07:00

We human beings are incredibly unappreciative. In all aspects. This planet was once pure vegetation. Complete greenery. Dirt, trees, mountains, water, and sky. Everything worked together for good. Look around you... Look at what's survived and what hasn't. All of these buildings, roads, polluted air... What way is this to show your appreciation?
We don't appreciate the air we breathe by filling our lungs with harmful substances then blowing it into the air.
We don't appreciate the ground we walk on, life growing underneath our very toes!
We've grown comfortable.
Take time to just look around you. Look at nature. If you're not around it, look at the progression of human beings and how one can accomplish great things! Just take the time.
We are the only form of life that knows we are going to die! None other knows! We are aware of death and yet we live as if we're already dead.
Appreciate life... YOUR life. Enjoy it. Love it.

2011-04-15T12:02:00.001-07:00

To flee from battle is the worst thing that could happen. It's worse than losing the fight because we can always learn something from defeat; if we flee, all we can do is declare that our enemy has won.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

One Love... (Repost)

2011-04-10T00:36:00.001-07:00

I was originally going to save this particular topic for my journal. But this is one entry I'd like to share with my followers and whomever chooses to read. Forgive me in advance for its length.

I was listening to Monica's song "One In A Lifetime" and while in the car with my cousin she asked me if I believed the song to be true. After listening a bit more I said, "Yes, I believe it's true." Now, today a friend of mine was in my room with me and the song was playing again. She too, asked me if I agreed with what Monica was saying. I laughed and said, "Yes. I agree."
Both my cousin and my friend said they didn't agree with the song. That a person does in fact get more than one love in a lifetime. I didn't think they understood the song or what Monica was saying so I tried to explain. I was unsuccessful in verbal persuasion, as my writing is far better than my speech. So here's my attempt to try again.

I agree that it's possible to love more than one person. When relationships don't work out, you can love again. When your spouse dies, you can love again. When one gets a divorce, you can love again... etc. etc.

But that love which she sings of... The love we all search for (those who understand the absolute and unchanging definition of love)... I do believe it only comes once, if at all for some. Some people never experience love. Wait, I'm going to use a much more distinguished name for the type of love I write of. Being that this word is used so loosely and its meaning is diminished, I feel I should intensify the word so you understand just what I mean.

So what shall I use? Hmm... I'll use the Greek word Agape (uh-gah-pay). In Greek, there are 4 different types of love.
There's "Agape" the love which I believe you get once in a lifetime. The deepest sense of true love. The love that consumes. A feeling that fills every space in us and turns our aggression to dust.
"Eros" which is passionate love. Sensual desire and longing. i.e. sexual attraction.
"Philia" the love you have for your friends and family.
And "Storge" the love a parent has for their child.

So, as you see, it was easy for those to misunderstand me when I said I believed Monica's song to be true. As previously written, the word love is used so loosely and it takes away from its essence. Here's where I think they misunderstood. I think that they figure if you open your heart and care about a person enough... I mean, care intensely and deeply for that person then you love them. And it's possible to have that more than once.

But to meet that man who goes beyond the physical... beyond what he does for you and you for him.
To meet the man/woman whose heartbeat is in sync with yours... Knows what you're thinking and doesn't have to ask. Completes your sentences. Never... NEVER disrespects you. Never belittles you. Takes your dreams and goes on the journey with you to make them a reality. Understands the very nature of you. To be able to look into each others eyes and view their soul. They're not just void fillers, they actually complete you. As if they've spent their life hopelessly waiting to meet their match after one unsuccessful relationship after another, and then there you are. Your soul mate. That one individual that gives you a feeling (not down there) that says "I was meant for you, and you for me." That's Agape love. You can protest as much as you'd like, but I find it hard to believe you get that feeling more than once.

It turns my stomach to hear guys say:
"I love my bitch."
"Never give your heart to a bitch, cause no matter how much you love her she'll still do you wrong."
"I love you girl! Yeah I cheat, but I love you!"
"You know I love you, I didn't mean to hit you, but you just make me so angry sometimes!"

If you're guilty of saying these things... Or guilty of falling for these lines and believing them... Honestly, reevaluate your whole life. NONE of these are examples of love. Fellas, if you loved her, the word "Bitch" would NEVER leave your lips about her. You couldn't even fathom the THOUGHT of calling your lady a bitch. If your love was true, even if it was only on your end and not hers... You wouldn't disrespect her... EVER. No matter how wrong she did you. If what you truly felt was love, it wouldn't happen. Cheating wouldn't be an option. No other woman could compare to your lady if you loved her. And lastly... Even if she got you steaming hot angry, putting your hands on her wouldn't cross your mind. So, I suggest you rethink using the word as if it's the word "like"... Because to some, that's what it's turning into.

I wish you could FEEL my intensity through these words!

Yes, you'll feel different things for different people... Different forms of love and affection. But the one who COMPLETES you?! The one who was MADE for you and you for them? No, you don't get more than one. Prove it to me and I'll eat my words.

I can say, without hesitation that I hope to experience that love. I'll wait for as long as it takes. I'd rather wait for the Agape love, than to experience countless Eros (see above) loves and having to go through one failed relationship after another. Many people I know are stuck in Eros believing they have Agape. Wake up. Please.

Love you all.

Shrugs

2011-04-05T16:35:00.001-07:00

I find myself coming to the same crossroads over and over again. What bothers me most about it is, my heart cares enough to keep speaking to me, but I don't understand the message! I can't seem to figure out what I'm supposed to do. I fear that I'll never know and I'll end up settling for what's comfortable... What's familiar. Or worse, I'll figure it out too late and have to live the rest of my life regretting not having done what I was meant to do. That's quite depressing.
I have all these great ideas... All these things I'd like to do but I don't follow through because I'm so sure an even greater idea will come along. I don't maintain healthy relationships because at the first argument or sign of mistrust I leave. I haven't yet learned how to stick it out.
I could take the escape route and blame my parents for not being together, therefore never teaching me how to properly be in a relationship. But where does that get me? Absolutely no where.. Still at ground zero. So, no, I won't lay blame.
But what is my purpose? What is my personal legend? What exactly am I supposed to be doing? I don't know. I really don't know. I'm not confused about life, I'm just not consistent with life. 2 days ago I went to meet with an Air Force recruiter because I considered joining the military. It sounded really good, the pros outweighed the cons that's for sure.
Some days I wake up wanting to go back to Howard with such urgency but I really can't see the benefit of a college degree anymore. College has turned into a joke with a great punchline. So I spend most of my days with a large question mark hovering over my head because I don't know what to do next. I know what I love to do and my ultimate goal but getting there has been an uphill battle within myself.
... So what does it all boil down to? Fear. A great fear of the unknown... I know I blogged about this before. But like I said, it's a crossroad I keep coming to.
It's almost as if I get to the road then turn around... For comfort and familiarity.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

You Scared?!

2011-04-01T13:41:00.000-07:00

A fox was strolling through the jungle one day and came across a lion. He had never seen a lion before until this day. Upon seeing the lion he quickly ran away out of fear...

The second day he walked through the jungle he saw the lion again. This time he stayed for a minute and stared at the majestic animal. When the lion looked up and looked back at the fox, the fox instantly got scared and ran away again.

On the third day the fox walked through the jungle again, same route as the days before. He saw the lion once more and instead of running away he walked up to the lion and started a conversation with him... Discovering the lion was absolutely harmless, the fox realized there was nothing to fear but fear itself.

My point? Familiarize yourself with the things you fear. You'll begin to notice that your fears will dwindle into nothing. We're scared of the unknown. It's normal... It's a part of our conditioning. But when we acknowledge our fears (not play into them, but acknowledge that they're present), we can begin to surpass them and conquer them.

The Definition... Well, mine.

2011-03-23T12:43:00.000-07:00

A relationship, to me, isn't filled with arguments and/or a constant game of cat and mouse. I've noticed some people thrive off of that type of behavior. It keeps it interesting and fresh for them. I suppose its a repeated reminder that the person still cares. But does it have to come in that form? Is there no other way? That's a lot of energy and time. I figured it could be geared towards something else... A bit more positive and uplifting. If I'm constantly fussing at you and trying to catch you doing something you shouldn't, I'm going to spend my time wondering if it's even worth it anymore... That maybe I should end the relationship and move on.
... But to each their own I suppose.

Now as for friendship? I'll be brief. If I can't keep it real with you and you can't do the same, then we're not friends. Period. I'm not calling you my friend and I refuse to allow you to call me yours. I'll get honesty from a stranger before I get it from my friend? That doesn't seem a bit odd to you? Friends try to spare your feelings so they tell you what you want to hear or what will make you feel good... Because they're a friend. That makes NO sense.

... I'll be right back, I gotta rethink a few things.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The Cool

2011-02-27T07:54:00.000-08:00

My peers follow my lead quite often. It's usually unconsciously. When I do something, they do it. I don't know if they're trying to out-do me or something, whatever, it doesn't matter. I motivated them to do it. And it happens a lot! It's like Mr. Me Too around here! I tell a story of something that's happened to me, they've got one better! I get up the nerve to do something, then about a week or so later THEY do it. Of course, they don't say, "I'm going to do it too!" They try to keep it low key for a few weeks, then pop up with the same idea or action I've done as if it were their own.

I'm not mad about it. No, not at all.

... I'm just shown repeatedly how much power I REALLY have.

Shades of Grey

2011-02-26T09:35:00.001-08:00

You can take everything I'm saying in my blog and apply it to yourself. It's never just black and white. NEVER. Don't look at it as me talking about myself, ranting and raving. Open your mind up... juuuuuust a little bit. You'll see. You'll absolutely see.

2011-02-26T09:02:00.000-08:00

I've been sick for almost a week now. It's given me plenty of time to do nothing but think and read. For the most part, I thought to myself, "Why is this happening to me?! I hate being sick!" But, in other cases my mind has wandered off to other places. (I think I just rhymed.)

So far, this year... This beautiful year. It's only February right? I've ended a friendship, I'm working on ending another, I've traveled to distant lands (DC), I became an aunt, I've read 2 books (not impressive), and I've fallen in love.

Now wait, let me explain. I didn't give my blog this title for nothing.

(I keep looking at the clock because I need to go to the post office. BUT ANYWAY...)

My aunt (I love her so much) told me that real friends can be counted on one hand. If they make it past one hand, they're not real friends. True enough. Well, I started 2011 off laying one finger down. Another one is coming down, although, I don't think that person was a friend at all in the first place.

My reasoning is as follows: I take the word "friend" seriously. It's not a term used loosely when it comes from me. For my friend, I'm there. I'm ALWAYS there. Crisis? I'm on the way. Dilemma? I'll be there in 5. We get into an argument? I'm over it, because our friendship means more to me than some silly dispute. You had a falling out with a person for doing something awful to you? I won't deal with them either. My friendship with you matters more than my friendship with them. Who's to say they wouldn't do the same shady shit to me?
However, if these things cannot be reciprocated, if I can't get the same efforts from you that I'm GIVING to you, then we can't be friends. We AREN'T friends. I no longer care. The constant flow of conversation slows down because I don't trust you.

As for the falling in love part? Well, let me just say I fall in love a lot. Very easily might I add. I do believe in the past 3 weeks or so, I've fallen in and out of love with 2 guys.
There was that one in DC. Took my breath away. Did everything right. Applied no pressure... And so I fell in love.
Then there was that one from New York who flew to LA. He showed me a good time. Introduced me to things I had never been exposed to. I loved him.
With these 2, I knew I loved them because I could look at them straight in the eyes and I could NEVER ever harm them. In any way. I could see myself working out every issue, not leaving them, in a relationship with them, compromising with them, taking the good with the bad and not complaining. Yes. I loved them.
And just like that they were gone.

... 2011 is shaping up to be one hell of a year.

Rebound

2011-02-16T22:53:00.000-08:00

We traditionally think that in order to get over one relationship, we must start another. After spending much time thinking about this concept, I've realized that it doesn't really work. It's not at all effective.

We're involved in these relationships, things don't work out but the feelings still remain. We secretly hope that person will come back and things will be how we pictured them to be. But it doesn't happen. So, what do we do? We begin a relationship with someone else. It may seem like its working, it may seem like you're over the previous person. However, let the old flame reenter the picture and try to make things how they should be, then what?

Then you're confused. You don't want to hurt the new person in your life and you even try to fight off the feelings for the old flame by telling yourself there's no way it could ever work.

But...

You're thinking about it. You still feel some type of way about them. And you know that if left alone with that person, the old flame, things could happen that you may or may not regret later.

Rebounds don't work. It's misleading. A facade. A bandage over a wound requiring stitches.

My Baby

2011-01-02T21:28:00.001-08:00

She's beautiful in every way...

The Sprinter

2010-11-28T21:24:00.000-08:00

The only decision left is the one that I need to make with myself, to stop running once and for all… I mean I know who I’m supposed to be with, I’ve always known. But, then the fear takes over: the free floating anxiety ridden fear in the pit of my stomach that makes me run.

A Soul Mate Is...

2010-11-28T21:03:00.000-08:00

“A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert

Voltaire

2010-11-18T11:27:00.000-08:00

When a diplomat says yes, he means perhaps;
When he says perhaps, he means no;
When he says no, he is not a diplomat.

When a lady says no, she means perhaps;
When she says perhaps, she means yes;
When she says yes, she is not a lady.

An Attempt to Enlighten

2010-11-15T13:46:00.000-08:00

A War For Your Soul-regular version from Erisai Films on Vimeo.

I won't bore you with an extensive post. This video says all. It tells us what we've known all along but chose to ignore or selectively forget. It's a friendly reminder. We shouldn't acknowledge and elevate the disrespect and ignorance. Our purpose is to rise above it.

Hop Scotch!

2010-11-06T23:26:00.000-07:00

I live my life like a child... Grow up why? To convince myself that I'm getting old and I'm closer to death? I'll pass... I like it like this. I like playing games, riding bikes, shooting the breeze, watching cartoons. I'll be 40 doing the saaaame doggone things I'm doing now. That's the definition of me! You should try it. Your knees wont hurt anymore lol.

Why I Read... So Much.

2010-11-05T02:16:00.000-07:00

Genius

2010-11-05T02:10:00.000-07:00

"In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!"
~Woody Allen

Romancing Your Soul

2010-10-22T23:57:00.000-07:00

What, Exactly?

2010-10-18T22:29:00.000-07:00

I often times wonder what exactly she wants for me. Every statement, every gesture is a walking contradiction.

"I want you to be able to hold your own, do things for yourself and be successful."

An opportunity presents itself for that to happen, then it turns into, "Are you sure you want to do that? You don't seem prepared for it. There are a lot of factors that come along with this."

So, let me get this straight. You DON'T want me to be up under you for the rest of your life, but at the same time, when the opportunity comes for me to venture out, NOTHING seems right. Every idea is a bad one.

Shame on you for what you've planted in my mind. Imbedding doubt and fear within me making me second guess myself.

What exactly do you want me to do? Your words and actions don't match up. I'm going to figure it out. However, I will not be in a stand still position out of fear. Fuck fear.

Seattle

2010-10-04T03:38:00.000-07:00

If I gather all of my thoughts...
All of my words of encouragement, my intellect, my philosophy, my ethics and profound statements...
If I gather all of that up...
What, then, do I do with them?

... I water them.

Walk With Me

2010-10-04T03:34:00.000-07:00

We'd much prefer those we admire to see and experience us after we've become the person we're growing into so they don't witness the "error" in our life's trials and errors. We want them to see the finished product.
But the ones who accompany us on the journey to self discovery and embrace our evolution rather than dismiss it matter all the more. They're the ones who have firmly planted themselves in our lives. Synced growth. Be aware of these individuals.

POW!

2010-09-30T18:11:00.000-07:00

Wait, you're jumping off the walls with ridicule, criticism, and disgust because I've decided to alter my image, my lifestyle, my persona? Whose life is it anyway?

... Lifestyle and progression is in the interest of the Progressor... Shut the fuck up and let the Evolver evolve.

Reapplication

2010-09-30T18:06:00.000-07:00

It's hot, I'm hungry (or bored), my mind is working overtime (when isn't it?), and I can't seem to figure out how to entertain one thought at a time without forgetting the others!

My emotions run deep, but have a tendency to wade in the shallow end for a spell... I'm frustrated but pleased... Full of energy but exhausted.

With these mixed situations going on within me, I feel a strange sense of peace.

Odd huh?

2010-09-30T12:16:00.000-07:00

VISIONS OF VISIONARIES WITH JANELLE MONAE | MADE from MADE Blog on Vimeo.

The Woman

2010-09-15T20:14:00.000-07:00

If a man we don't know calls us up today and talks a little, makes no suggestions, says nothing special, but nevertheless pays us the kind of attention we rarely receive, we're quite capable of going to bed with him that same night, feeling relatively in love. That's what we women are like, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's the nature of the woman to open herself to love easily.

An Excerpt From My Notebook

2010-09-15T19:58:00.000-07:00

Everyone is looking for the perfect teacher, but although their teachings might be divine, teachers are all too human, and that's something people find hard to accept. Don't confuse the teacher with the lesson, the ritual with the ecstasy, the transmitter of the symbol with the symbol itself.
Pity those who seek for a guide instead of longing for freedom! An encounter with God is open to anyone but remains far from those who shift responsibility onto others. Our time on this earth is sacred. And we should celebrate every moment.

... Just a thought.

Moleskine

2010-09-08T09:30:00.000-07:00

My blogs are less frequent, I'm sure you've noticed.

... The notebook just seems more authentic.

You can't NOT like this video... Ever.

2010-09-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

A Thought Amongst Thoughts

2010-08-15T22:17:00.000-07:00

What is God? What is salvation if, that is, the world needed saving? Nothing...

If everyone just lived their lives and let others do the same, God would be in every moment, in every grain of mustard, in the fragment of cloud that is there one moment and gone the next. God is there, and yet people believe they still have to go on looking, because it seems too simple to accept that life is an act of faith.

...Simply look at a rose. What more is necessary?

They Thought I Was Crazy

2010-08-15T11:04:00.000-07:00

My thoughts tend to take me on adventures. Adventures I sometimes love and others I hate. They take me on journeys beyond this world. Literally.

I began to think about the term "crazy" and how it's used. It's a known fact that we're all a little bit crazy. And if you say you're not crazy, that's obviously suspect. But then again, those who say they ARE crazy are equally suspect.
But who came up with the guidelines and characteristics of "crazy" anyway? Nobody but ourselves. It's the definition we give others who are different; who don't fit in with what we deem to be "normal."
People go to mental hospitals, not because they're "crazy" but because they're free to be themselves with no judgment; free to develop their own reality, not the reality we're taught to survive in.
I read that some patients are well enough to be released from these mental hospitals; their illnesses were cured. But they choose to stay. Why go out? Back to a world of judgment and ridicule for being different?

A boy was admitted to a mental facility by his parents because he wanted to be an artist. He wanted to paint and write. They automatically thought something had to be wrong with him for not wanting to follow the traditional way of life. (True story)

A lot of people live safely. They hide their true ambitions, stuff away their dreams. I don't believe people like that are truly happy. They just live their lives doing what they're "supposed" to do. And others are dubbed crazy for doing exactly what they want to do.
... Living vs. Existing so to speak.

*Of course they called me crazy for even thinking this way.*

Maybe I'm Mad... Or just normal.

2010-07-18T12:33:00.000-07:00

The Underdog

2010-07-11T10:37:00.000-07:00

Yes... The underdog. The one who doesn't have over 1,000 blog views, hundreds of followers, and an overflow of acquaintances. (But they're probably just the person you need to be aware of and have in your corner.)

They aren't invited to every party, they're overlooked for outings, and spoken to (it seems) out of pity.

This individual, whomever they may be, would be expected to be bitter within themselves right? Wondering just why aren't they the social butterfly like everyone else? Why aren't they invited everywhere? Why are they overlooked? Why, only when bringing up an outing that they happened to know about, (the person hosting the event doesn't know how they found out) they're invited to join? (Out of pity and obligation no doubt.)

I can't give the answer but I can promise I would never overlook anyone I associate with. Why? Because that person, if they're aware of it, is usually destined for great things. It's always the ones whom people decide to put on the back-burner that will become something great and then, only then, will all those who decided to omit them ask them to be present.

The massive number of requests to follow, invitations, all of that will follow suit.

And those who were strangers in the beginning, but now requesting their time, will surely ask themselves, "How did this person become so well known? How did they get to this status?"

I do believe the answer is simple. While you were out having your good time, not inviting this particular individual, overlooking them numerous times... They were busy working, devising a plan, preparing for what's to come, making sure their ducks were in alignment.

Consideration?

2010-07-07T01:00:00.000-07:00

It's been understood, correct me if I'm wrong, that with kindness brings kindness.

... Hmm. That's ok, I'll correct myself.

I've always been an optimist. As I've said before in a previous post, I commonly view the cup half full. I won't let my optimism flee, but my faith in the kindness within others is withering.
I've been nice by nature. I often do things for those that I care for with the belief that they won't abuse it or, if I needed, they'd do the same for me. This has yet to be proven to be true. I feel that my kindness has been misused for the last time. I've reached a breaking point and it's slowly creating a cold, hard-hearted being.

I consider other people's happiness and it seems as if they don't consider mine in return. Why must I continue to do for those who take advantage of it and treat it as if they've received nothing more than a handshake from me?

People borrow from me, promising to repay me. I've purchased plane tickets, loaned money to check baggage, given rides, gave money that I couldn't afford to give. And I have yet to see ANY of the reimbursements.

I remind myself that I did it out of kindness, not expecting to be paid back. But when you're constantly stepped on and not even slightly considered, what does that do to a person? I'll tell you. It creates a monster. A person who doesn't care about you or your well being. Doesn't care if you starve or have a place to lay your head. Don't blame the person who's doing this to you. Blame your inconsiderate self.

I don't want to have to be this way, but it's essential to my survival and mental health. Because you don't understand the meaning of consideration, kindness, and BORROW, I'll have to be that person that shrugs her shoulders and says, "Why should I care?" It may cost me some friendships, but then again... My friends wouldn't do such things to me. Huh? Well...

... Yeah, a genuine selfish hard ass.

As Time Draws Near...

2010-07-03T23:09:00.001-07:00

The time is drawing near... I need to make a decision regarding where I'll continue my education. That inevitable question came up today, "what are you gonna do?" I didn't have an answer. I recognize my inability to make concrete decisions but I know I'll have to come up with something very soon.
...It's like, do I go back and finish what I've started? Facing the problems and challenges as I've done before? Or move again? (Which I'm absolutely tired of.) I'm familiar with HU and how things work. But the distance bothers me most.
Howard has these requirements for graduation. And calculating the amount of time it'd take for me to fulfill these requirements, I'll be there another 2 years.

I've applied to another school. Not too close to home, but far enough. About 5 hours or so. This particular school doesn't have all of these outlandish requirements. They're actually the complete opposite. They don't require a mandatory minor, mandatory courses for "enrichment", or anything that would keep me shelling out money longer than necessary.

... My source of conflict: I really don't want to hear my family saying I've transferred again. That matters to me too. I shouldn't care but I do. They were all so proud to say I go to Howard University. They all say, "just finish" but I can hear in their tone that they think differently. I know they'd rather attend a Howard graduation than the other school I've chosen as an option. A part of me wants to give that to them. My grandmother helped me out so much, having faith that I'd graduate from Howard. If I asked her for her help again, but with a different school, it diminishes what she's doing for me. If anything, I want to do this for her. She's the only one who actually made it possible. My mom didn't offer even half the help my grandmother did. This is what makes it even more difficult.

Then there's the question of getting all of my things back there. Whether I'll be allowed to take my car back or not. More administration problems. When I made the decision to bring all of my things back I didn't plan on returning to Howard.

A degree from Howard would take me far if I planned a career with black prominence. It's been proven time and time again. HU is prestigious to the black community, not so much to others. But that doesn't do much for me but offer praise. I'm getting to the point where that doesn't matter. As I continue to grow, things like that don't matter. I just want to finish my Undergraduate studies.

I'm in a constant battle with myself as the days get closer to me deciding what I should do. I'm straddling the fence hoping to make a wise decision without hurting the ones I love.

To know...

2010-06-26T10:03:00.000-07:00

The decision to begin the journey of self-discovery isn't an easy one for some. But I'll tell you, from personal experience it's a wonderful decision to make.
How does one make this leap? Let go of everything. Period.
If you need me to elaborate I will.

Disconnected

2010-06-12T23:32:00.001-07:00

Saturday night, I get a BBM from my cousin saying she wants to go out. I get dressed and ready to go but once I arrive at the rendezvous point I started picking up bad vibes. It's saddening to say the vibes were coming from my male cousin and his friend.

I'm saying this to say, if I'm going to continue my practice down the right path I have to disassociate myself from people who hinder my personal growth.
For example, if you're one who smokes, it wouldn't be wise for me to hang around those who smoke as well if I'm trying to quit.
If you don't have an ounce of respect for women and treat us as objects, not as beings, why would I continue to laugh at your jokes about "bitches" and swim in a pool of disrespect? That doesn't help me at all. So I must disconnect myself from it and all it involves.
If you're a constant pessimist, always viewing the cup half empty, your spirit connects with my spirit and it brings me down.
I had to stop hanging out with a good friend of mine as much as I used to because she cracks jokes on people's achievements. What people love and cherish in their lives, she makes fun of. I don't see why that's necessary. You don't have to knock people down. Help build them up.
But, I suppose when a person is brought up doing things a certain way it's hard to change. Hard to turn from it.
Those who are dogmatic in their beliefs and traditions, I can't be around either. You don't have to agree with a person for what they believe, say, or do, but respect their decision to do so.

Positive individuals who love the world and the language it speaks are my kinds of people.

Light Venting

2010-06-10T19:09:00.001-07:00

Nobody listens... they just stay quiet until its their turn to speak. Everybody wants to be heard and considered, but aren't willing to LISTEN.

These girls play dumb for these boys and, in turn, they treat us like we're dumb. They pretend to value you and what you have to say... Let me ask you, if they truly valued what you had to say, why are you repeating yourself time and time again???

You do dirt... And when its brought to your attention that it's dirt, you get offended and angry. Why?

How can you call yourself a deep individual associating yourself with shallow people? Participating in shallow events?

If you believe a woman's beauty is made up predominantly of her looks... I can't see true happiness and complete love down the line for you.

My faith wears thin in men. You demonstrate no intelligence. From decision making to common conversation.

I'm not going to play stupid for you just to make you feel smarter than me. Pick up a book and get on my level.

I wish I could hold a conversation with those of the opposite sex. Or even help educate those of MY sex... nobody likes to engage in dialogue. Speaking with no intent to listen.

... But what am I saying? Ya'll niggas don't read my blog anyway!

Levels of Respect

2010-05-28T02:13:00.000-07:00

In a previous post I stated that the mind tries to remind you of social standards, logic, and what should be as opposed to what is.

Society is quick to put a label on things and people. Instead of respecting and accepting a person for who they are and what they feel, if society is in disagreement it's viewed negatively. I'm proud to say that society is changing and free spirited individuals are exposing themselves.

We mustn't discriminate against a person for their beliefs and decisions. Remind yourself of that and practice it. It wont happen over night or come easy. You can say you don't care or say that you respect their decisions, but your face doesn't lie. It actually tells on you. Your attitude tells on you. Because while you SAY you respect a persons decisions, you know you whisper about them to others. It's inappropriate and unfair. It's actually a bit closed minded and a rejector of change.

Peace within yourself and peace amongst others comes when you let go of the stigmas and old habits/traditions that do nothing but bring suffering to you and to others. Accept and love people for who they are. You might not agree... but respect them.

Heart vs. Mind

2010-05-28T01:00:00.000-07:00

I sometimes find my mind stepping in and pushing my heart out... It's at that point I stop whatever I'm doing, breathe, and remind myself why my mind needs to remain in the backseat. The mind brings logic, tries to remind you of social standards, and wants you to realize what should be instead of what is.
But the heart says otherwise. It tosses all logic and reasoning out and lets what will be... Be.

Regarding relationships, ones mind ALWAYS tries to force itself to be front and center. How you feel about a person could be ruined by thinking entirely too much. "What if's" come into play and it's detrimental to any relationship or potential relationship. It's unhealthy. "What if he/she is running game on me... What if he/she is cheating... What if he/she didn't answer the phone because they're with someone else... What if..." That right there is your mind working overtime over NOTHING. I've been there, and as I've said before, I had to catch and remind myself that this isn't how it's supposed to be.

When we realize that we don't OWN anyone and begin to seek the simple pleasures, we'll be much much happier.
I've witnessed so many people getting caught up in trying to change a person that they forget how to just enjoy them! There was something about them that was attractive to you right? Embrace that! Appreciate that! Don't try to make them into something they're not just to suit you... It takes away their individualism and what makes them... Them!

I used to get upset when a guy I liked would say another woman is attractive or make comments about other women. Was it jealousy? Likely. But here's what I've begun to understand: He's human. He's not dead! I'm not the first and/or last attractive lady on the planet. There's absolutely no harm in recognizing another woman's beauty. The same applies to the men! Your woman is with you, yes. But she still looks at and recognizes a handsome man when she sees one.
When you both have the understanding that there is no ownership, and there's a mutual agreement amongst you, you'll alleviate those "what if's" and worries. It's never that serious. The statement of no ownership doesn't condone indiscretion. Let me make that clear lol.

The heart reminds you why you like (or love in some cases) them so much. It reminds you of what attracted you to them in the first place. Your heart smiles and you get a warm feeling when you remember those good times you shared. The simple things you did together that took no effort. THAT'S what matters.
Many are lost and unable to maintain healthy sustaining relationships because they're too busy setting guidelines and rules and checklists. When you just let things fall into place with no second thought, all of your stipulations wont matter.

BUT... The heart can cloud judgment and reason when reason is needed. A person will forget their life's purpose and toss away a dream because of how they feel about a person.
Again... I've been there. My education decision was almost based on not losing someone I wanted to remain in my life. I stopped... breathed... and became aware. If it is our destiny, if it is in the cards for us... distance and educational institution wont matter. If the way we feel about one another is unchanging and cannot be bent or broken, there's nothing that will keep us apart. If, however, things fall apart then our foundation isn't secure.

I recall a quote from The Alchemist, "Don't think about what you've left behind. If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil. If what you had found was only a moment of light, like an explosion of a star, you will find nothing on your return."

"Listen to your heart. It knows all things, because it came from the Soul of the World and it will one day return there."

Put forth effort where effort is necessary and let your feelings flow. Inhibitions are overrated. Just be.

Sources of Anger

2010-05-16T16:58:00.000-07:00

In my new practice of meditation, I've been instructed by my teacher to confront my sources of anger. He told me it'd be best to confront them within myself rather than the persons making me angry because it would only tie a tighter knot within me and cause me to make irrational decisions. Not until I have mastered the anger in me, can I approach the persons causing this anger.

I suppress my discomfort and agitation well. A couple of my girls from school told me this. But lately, whenever I think of past events that occurred with certain people, my blood begins to boil and I feel capable of inflicting serious harm to them. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm not one to intentionally hurt someone. But after letting so many things slide, I want the people who hurt me to feel the same amount of pain and suffering they've inflicted upon me.

Before I started this meditation practice, I was one text message away from choking the shit out of one particular person. I was only a moment away from taking a flight to get some things cleared up face to face with no opportunity to flee. I had reached the ultimate point of pisstivity and the last person who added to it would catch the end of it all.

I'm angry with those family members who judge my life as if its their own. Who find fault in every decision I make and criticize all I stand for. Who can't seem to let positive reinforcement leave their lips. I refuse to help you or be a part of anything you've got going. As interesting as it may look, it's not worth the discomfort you bring me. I'm also angry with family who can't seem to get things right in their lives and choose to place the burden upon me. Your fuck up is not my problem, and you will not make it my problem. I didn't put you in the situation, don't call me to get you out of it or pacify you while you're deep in it.

I'm angry with those who betray me to no end. You do NOT have an alliance to me, stop lying to me and to yourself. Individuals are always afraid of being betrayed, and they keep their guards up so it doesn't happen... But your fear of being betrayed has caused you to betray the only person who probably knew you best and was helping you learn to love yourself. Yes, you fucked up. And what continues to take me by surprise is that you KEEP fucking up.

I'm angry with the individuals who call themselves my friend but don't put out the same loyalty they receive. Believe me, if you're going through a tough time, I'm there. No matter the hour or the day, I'm there. I can count 2 people... TWO... who have reciprocated. I don't know their motives, but they were there. At the drop of a dime they were there. So, because of this, I'm reevaluating friendships. Everybody can't be called a friend and now, everybody won't be.

...But I breathe. I accept my anger and I identify with it. I calm down after I breathe. And I'm alright again. My peace is restored. At this present time I'm trying to figure out how to maintain my peace so past angers don't resurface and cause trouble.

... Ray and Babe are the 2 loves of my life. They help me remember my peace and breathing. They're absolutely beautiful.

Haiku

2010-05-13T16:22:00.000-07:00

You give me your heart,
In return I give you mine.
Destined we must be.

Righteous spirits move
Like low Rivers and high Winds,
Life has no set course.

Adventure we seek
No matter the risk involved
Adventure calls us.

~Elyse

Religion

2010-05-09T11:34:00.000-07:00

Many Christians are dogmatic (as are other religions). I focus on Christianity because it's been my main exposure. Or maybe I've just been around the wrong ones. They live by the phrase: "My way is right, your way is wrong." Everything is the fault of everyone else. If you can't hear God, you're not in tune with him. You're not listening hard enough. You don't study the Bible so you can't recognize when he's speaking to you.

Should God be this difficult to get a hold of? Should God be this difficult to reach? Why must I dig so deeply and go through so much to find him as if he's a buried treasure?

**Maybe, like a treasure, God must be searched for. Maybe, like a treasure, he's hidden so deep and once you find him you'll appreciate him all the more.**

...But what does that mean for those just beginning their walk? The ones who don't understand and need clarity and for God to just make it plain? What does that mean for them?

I get so upset when other Christians tell me that my relationship with God isn't what it should be. As if they're in my thoughts and prayers daily. So, because I don't go around outwardly expressing myself and hollering that I love the Lord, I have no salvation? Because YOU can't see it? My purpose is not to satisfy you and prove to you what my relationship with God is like. My relationship is between He and I.

I'd rather not socially discuss religion anymore. It's a topic greatly debated although it shouldn't be. The source of all religions are the same. They all believe in a higher power. When did it become so mind dominated? I've heard Christians say that the Muslim faith is wrong and the believers are violent people. These select individual's violence doesn't change their core belief in Allah (God). Some say that the Catholic faith is wrong because they allow same sex marriage and the Priests sexually abuse children. Listen, we're human and NOBODY is perfect. I'm not condoning their behavior or actions at all, but as humans we make mistakes and are not always worthy. You can't fault the entire belief system on the individuals who transgress. Not all Christians walk the path of righteousness, are you going to say Christianity is wrong as well? No, you can't rightfully say these things because the core remains the same. We all believe in God. That's what should matter. Personal issues aside, we all believe in God.

We mustn't discriminate against a person for their beliefs and decisions. Remind yourself of that and practice it. It wont happen overnight or come easy. You can say you don't care or say that you respect their decisions, but your face doesn't lie. It exposes you. Your attitude exposes you. Because while you SAY you respect a persons decisions, you know you whisper about them to others. It's inappropriate and unfair.

Peace within yourself and peace amongst others comes when you let go of the stigmas and old habits/traditions that do nothing but bring suffering to you and to others. Accept and love people for who they are. You might not agree... but respect them.

I'm always hearing, "If you don't believe what I believe, you're wrong. There is no other right way."
I don't want to renounce my faith. I will forever believe in God and that he sent his Son to die so that I may be saved. But it shouldn't be this hard. And I think it's hard because I'm speaking to people about it. People who have their own set of beliefs. My best bet is to not speak anymore on it. To do what makes me happy and choose to believe what I believe and continue to live accordingly.

... I refuse to let it be this hard. It shouldn't be.

Peace and Well-Being

2010-05-07T23:35:00.000-07:00

I've decided to explore new avenues to regain my peace and build my well-being. I've taken Yoga once before, but I only took it as a class that was needed towards graduation. This time I plan to practice it. To dive into it and discover all it stands for. I spend a lot of time wondering, over-thinking, and I don't focus like I should. Not on school work, not on friendships... Those aren't my number one concern. I want to focus on me. Making sure everyone else was pacified and taken care of was my main concern and my biggest setback... Because I didn't take the time for me. I cared what people thought of me, what they'd say about me, what went on when I wasn't there. You probably couldn't tell... But that voice made itself present. That small insecurity was definitely there. And I was hurting myself. It was absolutely unhealthy. If I go back, I'll return with an attitude never before seen. I have all Summer to work on Elyse.

So what will I do? I'll practice this here Yoga, practice meditation, practice recognizing my peace and well-being.
... Because in the end, it isn't about anybody but me.

Books...

2010-05-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

Finishing up "Eleven Minutes"... Entering "The Sexual Politics of Meat"... I read for enrichment of the soul and stimulation of the mind. Remember that.

... Here we go.

Untitled

2010-04-29T22:27:00.000-07:00

Pregnancy... Prison... Deception...

... My peace is slowly withering away. And I'm going to burst.

For Who?

2010-04-14T17:09:00.001-07:00

Would you say the person you are, or the person you're working to become is beneficial to yourself? Or beneficial to the people? Or both?
I know some people who are only in it (whatever it may be) for self and self alone. There's nothing completely wrong with that, because happiness of the individual comes first. Then there are others who only consider how others feel and none of themselves. Pleasing others in entirety isn't healthy. It can't be.
Now those who do what they love so that it benefits them and others, well, that's a healthy balance, yes?
I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I was standing outside thinking about my career interests and personal goals. I wondered if what I'm planning to do benefits me only or others as well. I believe its a bit of both for those who appreciate it and all it stands for.
What about you though?

One Love...

2010-04-11T16:18:00.000-07:00

I was originally going to save this particular topic for my journal. But this is one entry I'd like to share with my followers and whomever chooses to read. Forgive me in advance for its length.

I was listening to Monica's song "One In A Lifetime" and while in the car with my cousin she asked me if I believed the song to be true. After listening a bit more I said, "Yes, I believe it's true." (This was about a week ago.) Now, today a friend of mine was in my room with me and the song was playing again. She too, asked me if I agreed with what Monica was saying. I laughed and said, "Yes. I agree."
Both my cousin and my friend said they didn't agree with the song. That a person does in fact get more than one love in a lifetime. I didn't think they understood the song or what Monica was saying so I tried to explain. I was unsuccessful in verbal persuasion, as my writing is far better than my speech. So here's my attempt to try again.

I agree that it's possible to love more than one person. When relationships don't work out, you can love again. When your spouse dies, you can love again. When one gets a divorce, you can love again... etc. etc.

But that love which she sings of... The love we all search for (those who understand the absolute and unchanging definition of love)... I do believe it only comes once, if at all for some. Some people never experience love. Wait, I'm going to use a much more distinguished name for the type of love I write of. Being that this word is used so loosely and its meaning is diminished, I feel I should intensify the word so you understand just what I mean.

So what shall I use? Hmm... I'll use the Greek word Agape (uh-gah-pay). In Greek, there are 4 different types of love.
There's "Agape" the love which I believe you get once in a lifetime. The deepest sense of true love.
"Eros" which is passionate love. Sensual desire and longing. i.e. sexual attraction.
"Philia" the love you have for your friends and family.
And "Storge" the love a parent has for their child.

So, as you see, it was easy for those to misunderstand me when I said I believed Monica's song to be true. As previously written, the word love is used so loosely and it takes away from its essence. Here's where I think they misunderstood. I think that they figure if you open your heart and care about a person enough... I mean, care intensely and deeply for that person then you love them. And it's possible to have that more than once.

But to meet that man who goes beyond the physical... beyond what he does for you and you for him.
To meet the man/woman whose heartbeat is in sync with yours... Knows what you're thinking and doesn't have to ask. Completes your sentences. Never... NEVER disrespects you. Never belittles you. Takes your dreams and goes on the journey with you to make them a reality. Understands the very nature of you. To be able to look into each others eyes and view their soul. They're not just void fillers, they actually complete you. As if they've spent their life hopelessly waiting to meet their match after one unsuccessful relationship after another, and then there you are. Your soul mate. That one individual that gives you a feeling (not down there) that says "I was meant for you, and you for me." That's Agape love. You can protest as much as you'd like, but I find it hard to believe you get that feeling more than once.

It turns my stomach to hear guys say:
"I love my bitch."
"Never give your heart to a bitch, cause no matter how much you love her she'll still do you wrong."
"I love you girl! Yeah I cheat, but I love you!"
"You know I love you, I didn't mean to hit you, but you just make me so angry sometimes!"

If you're guilty of saying these things... Or guilty of falling for these lines and believing them... Honestly, reevaluate your whole life. NONE of these are examples of love. Fellas, if you loved her, the word "Bitch" would NEVER leave your lips about her. You couldn't even fathom the THOUGHT of calling your lady a bitch. If your love was true, even if it was only on your end and not hers... You wouldn't disrespect her... EVER. No matter how wrong she did you. If what you truly felt was love, it wouldn't happen. Cheating wouldn't be an option. No other woman could compare to your lady if you loved her. And lastly... Even if she got you steaming hot angry, putting your hands on her wouldn't cross your mind. So, I suggest you rethink using the word as if it's the word "like"... Because to some, that's what it's turning into.

I wish you could FEEL my intensity through these words!

Yes, you'll feel different things for different people... Different forms of love and affection. But the one who COMPLETES you?! The one who was MADE for you and you for them? No, you don't get more than one. Prove it to me and I'll eat my words.

I can say, without hesitation that I hope to experience that love. I'll wait for as long as it takes. I'd rather wait for the Agape love, than to experience countless Eros (see above) loves and having to go through one failed relationship after another. Many people I know are stuck in Eros believing they have Agape. Wake up. Please.

Love you all.

Naked.

2010-04-03T22:49:00.000-07:00

My dreams/nightmares of being nude and embarrassed make so much more sense now.

Window Seat

2010-03-29T20:35:00.001-07:00

Erykah Badu - Window Seat
- Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

I'm Getting Pretty Dang Good At This!

2010-03-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

Hiatus

2010-03-21T16:54:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while... I'm sorry. I've been working in this new thing that I'm sure you'll all love. I still love you though! MUAH!

Make A Move!

2010-03-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

I've got this idea, and I want to take it to higher places. I want a team of creative minds who have the same drive as I do to make this work. I could do it alone, but I feel like input from different creative insights will do this project some good. If you're with me, be with me... Instead of "wondering" what your calling in life is, its best to test things out... One can wonder all day long and be sitting in the same spot they were yesterday dig me?

Stay Inspired

2010-03-15T15:12:00.000-07:00

Maestro Knows - Episode 2 (Mr. Cartoon) from Maestro Knows on Vimeo.

Mutual?... No.

2010-03-13T23:44:00.000-08:00

The only person I connected with mentally, emotionally, and intimately...
Like a best friend to me because he was the only one who understood me.
I loved his mind... because... well, we shared the same thoughts.
We were on the same page with things...
The one I could talk to...
Laugh with...
We could argue via web, talk on the phone, then not be argumentative anymore...
The best hugs...
The best kisses...
My equal.
Sure, I've had other relationships...
But they were never complete...
I have NEVER felt that way about any other guy I've talked to...
Never had chemistry in and out of the bedroom...
Never enjoyed every minute in their presence...
To this day!!! To this day I have NEVER met any guy who made me feel the way he did!

... So you can imagine how I felt when I found out he started a relationship with someone else... Maybe I read too much into it? Saw something he didn't see?... That'll teach me.

Let Go...

2010-03-13T23:16:00.000-08:00

Have you ever held on to someone you knew you could never be with seriously? You keep a connection and contact with them for those occasional "lonely nights"... but you know he/she isn't healthy for you, isn't right for you...
I realized this years ago... But I chose to ignore it and keep him around anyway. It wasn't until recently did I decide that this has to stop. It does nothing but give him false hope that we will end up together when I know we wont.
I didn't like who he was, but I loved what he did to me (we're being honest right?). Enough was enough though. There was no way I could ever recognize the right guy for me when he comes along if I kept this dude around.
Don't get me wrong... This decision was not an easy one. It's hard to sever all ties with someone who does what he does so well lol. What makes it even more difficult is, every few months after I make the decision to leave him alone... He'll send me a text and we're back at one.
My will is stronger and is continuing to strengthen because now, more than before, I realize where the problem is and what I must do to maintain my choice.

... I'd like to write more, but I'm getting tired...

Never Gets Old...

2010-03-13T14:54:00.001-08:00

03-lauryn_hill-ex-factor

Found at: FilesTube

Diggy Simmons

2010-03-12T23:53:00.000-08:00

Diggy - Made you look Freestyle (Flow Stoopid) from Diggy Simmons on Vimeo.

Fly Guy

2010-03-10T22:58:00.001-08:00

My Work Thus Far... Whatcha Think?!

2010-03-08T02:12:00.000-08:00

Practiced on my brothers...

~Elyse~

Procrastination

2010-03-06T13:58:00.001-08:00

Aftermath

2010-03-05T07:52:00.000-08:00

WOW...

Maybe this is what they meant when they said long term mental damage... I didn't see it before. I thought I was fine... Just a small traumatic event (what I tell myself).

But no. I realize now how much this has really gotten to me.

Everything I do now, regarding HU, is done cautiously... carefully. Why? Because in my head, after what happened, I feel like they're all out to get me. Like they've all got some kind of trick up their sleeve to turn on me.

... It's sick, I know.

Culture of Creativity

2010-03-03T00:26:00.000-08:00

Culture of Creativity Intro from CJ Something on Vimeo.

So Far Gone

2010-03-02T22:57:00.000-08:00

So FAMU has a sex tape out...

.......... *Long Pause*...............

Pretty soon I'll give up all hope.................

Pursuit of Happiness

2010-03-02T10:14:00.000-08:00

I'm on the pursuit of happiness.

And I know everything that shines aint always gonna be Gold.

... Hey, I'll be fine once I get it.

I'll be good...

~K.C.

Heart to Heart

2010-03-01T20:16:00.000-08:00

My dad said, "You lost weight..."

I said, "Yes, I did."

My dad said, "You've been stressing..."

I said, "Yes, I have."

My dad said, "Don't let your situations or thoughts CONSUME you..."

I said, "Real shit if I ever heard it daddy."

Privacy

2010-02-27T21:26:00.000-08:00

Still a great song... Extremely powerful... You can feel his emotions throughout the entire piece.

Michael Jackson - Privacy.mp3

Found at: http://www.filestube.com

Semi-Closure

2010-02-27T16:39:00.001-08:00

If you read one of my older posts, "A Blog Within A Blog" you'll understand why my feelings were so incredibly hurt... Why I had to discontinue our friendship. Why there's no way of patching things up and moving on from it.

As previously blogged... "there's no way to fix abandonment and treachery. You... can't... fix... it."

When I Can't Explain...

2010-02-23T16:14:00.000-08:00

iTunes shuffle played this song... It's so definitive with EXACTLY how I felt at one point. I couldn't put it any better than this.

Papa Roach - Scars.mp3

Found at: http://www.filestube.com

... And this

Three Days Grace - Let It Die.mp3

Found at: http://www.filestube.com

... Good day all :)

Regret.

2010-02-23T16:01:00.001-08:00

I make it a point not to regret anything... Everything I've done has been a key ingredient to developing the person whom blogs before you today.
I don't regret knowing some people and dismissing some people because it's all a part of growth. People come and go like the seasons... I've accepted that, and I'm ok with it.
I don't regret the decisions I've made because, whether good or bad, they've each taught me something different and meaningful.

"Never regret anything that made you happy at the time." - Katharine Hepburn

This Blog is for You

2010-02-22T09:08:00.000-08:00

The last person I would expect to encourage me, always does. She's a complete and utter blessing to my life. Our whole lives together I felt judged by her, sometimes ridiculed... But I see her in a new light... She appears to be a new person and I love it!

I love her powerful words and her amazing sense of understanding. I've never seen this side of her before! See, before, when I used to make constant moves in my life... I was made to believe I was unstable... Because that's what they used to call me.. Unstable. They said I didn't know what I wanted to do with myself and I was wasting my life away. The first part is true... I didn't know what I wanted because I wanted so many things. But I'm not unstable... I'm in discovery... Discovering what I love and what makes me happy... Finding out what I can do for the rest of my life and wont make me miserable in the process.

But now... As I make these constant moves... She encourages me the entire time... She doesn't advise me to go in the direction the rest of the world is going in...

I love this spirit that fills her because it fills me too... Her positive energy is definitely a vibe I can get with.

.... LOVE YOU SWEET CORN!!!! (LOL)

STOP

2010-02-21T22:09:00.000-08:00

Lets make this clear... I don't hold grudges. I make it a point to free my mind and spirit of negative energy.

BUT...

It usually only takes ONCE for a person to prove to me why they should no longer be in my life. I'm a genuine person and I'm not malicious. I'm not one to curse someone out or disrespect them... I just scratch their existence and proceed with my growth. I do forgive them... But forgetting is not my best quality... I can't resume a friendship/relationship with a person who does me wrong. There's no way I'd be able to look at them the same... Look them in the eye and pretend as if nothing ever happened.

Irresponsibility and incompetence irritates me. I can't stand it. It's a little off topic but at the same time it connects because it's another characteristic that will sever all ties between you and me. Complaining as well! Complainers irk the crap outta me!
Also, if you say something, mean it!
Just as when I say something, I mean it. I MEAN IT...
Say I give specific instructions... Make a particular statement... I'mma tell you right now... Don't think it's because I'm angry, hurt, upset, and just need some time to cool off or anything of the sort... No. I mean what I say.

... SMH, there's no way to fix abandonment and treachery. You... can't... fix... it.

What's Next

2010-02-21T13:19:00.000-08:00

I'm being reminded why I left for DC. It wasn't completely Howard. I left LA because I wanted to be free to be me. I realize now that that's not impossible to accomplish even if I stay on the West.
I love my mom, with all I've got. But I've reached a point where I just can't be under her all the time. Her attitude and views aren't similar to mine and she can often depress me... Make me feel ashamed of who I am.
You know, the other day she said, "Don't make me wish you and your brother weren't here." She said this because the kitchen wasn't straight. I was shocked... Couldn't believe she'd say something like that... To her child at that! It quickly reminded me of how, when you have siblings, and you're both in the house... Nothing is one person's fault... Everybody is responsible and to blame. And my brother takes advantage of that. When I was gone, I didn't hear that. She couldn't blame me because I wasn't there. In my apartment, I knew where the mess (if any) came from because it's just me. I want to return back to DC. This could be frustration. But I'd like to go back. Only to be in my own space... Regain my freedom... Regain my space.
I can't though, not yet. I just signed a contract with a new agent to get my acting life back on track... To pursue what keeps me up at night... Consuming my thoughts. Yeah, I got a new agent. And it's scary because I spend most of my time fighting for this exact moment, but now that it's here I'm terrified. I start doubting myself and my abilities. I read about this moment. Introduction to The Alchemist describes this EXACT moment. How we dream these dreams, these ambitions, and we want them terribly but when we get them, we ruin it because we feel like we don't deserve it. So we shatter our own dreams. I pray I don't do that. I fear I may accidentally do it because I want to be free again. I'm moments away from booking my plane ticket back to DC. I need another alternative. Remember, I'm in California where jobs are few and far in between. I'd gladly take full-time work to make just enough to allow me my own space again.
I don't like being in uncomfortable positions... I make rash decisions without thinking them through just to be satisfied and comfortable again.

"All I want to do is be more like me and be less like you." - Linkin Park - Numb

Dear God Make It Clear...

2010-02-18T20:17:00.000-08:00

An uneasy spirit makes itself present within me as I fear I may end up living a life of mediocrity and contentment because I could never figure out my true calling. With such a vast interest in so many things regarding the arts, what is one to do? Where do I stand in it? I don't think any of my skills are sharp enough because of my broad interest! How do I decipher?!

... Dear God make it clear...

Reason For Being

2010-02-18T13:26:00.000-08:00

If this girl can give a soul to those who have lived without one, if she can create the sense of beauty in people whose lives have been sordid and ugly, if she can strip them of their selfishness and lend them tears for sorrows that are not their own, she is worthy of all your adoration, worthy of the adoration of the world.

... To spiritualize one's age - that is something worth doing.

Smile

2010-02-17T12:29:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning... No radio, no iPod, no tv.

This song escaped my lips... I've been singing it all day.

2pac & scarface - 2pac - smile.mp3

Found at: http://www.filestube.com

Photography... Or Something Like It

2010-02-16T02:04:00.000-08:00

I've finally taken the plunge into buying a camera... Will anyone be my crash test image?

Art, Love, Purpose... My 100th Post

2010-02-14T02:49:00.000-08:00

My fascination and undying love for my generation's creativity and passion is a fire that cannot and will not be put out. I'm constantly reminded of just how talented we are! It's a beautiful sight to see and a beautiful feeling to experience. There's a young lady I have yet to meet, but I feel like I know her so well... She has such a beautiful mind. I truly dig it! The guys that I know, well, some of them, they're interested the arts as well... And they express it constantly. I'm doing my best to find my place in it. It's embedded in my mind, my soul... I need it to show itself. Maximum exposure.
Have you ever felt like you KNEW you had this potential? Every time you're in its (whatever it is to you) presence you light up and get this feeling inside that says, "this defines me." ... But alas, you are clueless as to how to show it...

All you know is, "I feel this, and it makes me happy."

Of course, there are those few who missed the Creativity Train. Stuck in the world of simplicity... lack of drive... contentment... minimal ambition to leave their mark on the world... Minimal ambition period. I can't help but wonder how that happened... Why don't they share the same love... for anything? I wont say I wish we all shared the same love for the arts, because that leaves no room for the opportunity to stand out. Sure there are posers... Dress the part, speak the language... but how long before they move on to the next trend? Completely leaving behind what they say they love... what's supposed to be so "dope."

We don't have to weed out the posers... they'll do that themselves eventually.

I love many things... And I believe I need to take the time to put these loves together and make something of them. Photography, literature, music, dramatic arts, visual art... It's all so beautiful to me! A still photo can say so much... Tell such a moving story. (Maybe I'll buy an SLR and start snapping away...) A novel has the power to take you to another world! I can't tell you how many books I've gotten lost in. Music, like poetry, gives the artist an opportunity to express themselves. Put a beat behind it, a melody, a tune, and the hearts of many are won. Dramatic arts lets the actor get lost in a character, bringing forth the ultimate performance. And visual arts... letting the artist paint a vivid picture of what they feel inside... Divine.

My style is simple, but says so much. I don't believe in complex outfits that have many different things going on... I don't understand "busy" fashion... Ok, you want to look different, you want to stand out... That's fine I guess, but I believe it takes away from the essence of you. Or maybe it defines you in ways I don't quite get... Maybe this is my age talking (yuck.)

I met a guy yesterday, and went out on a date with him last night. It wasn't over the top, no money was spent. We just walked and talked. Got a better understanding of each other... Truly just spent time learning one another. It was nice. I appreciated the opportunity to not have to try to impress... just talk. I took what I read in The Conversation and applied it to our date. I went in expecting nothing more from him than to get to know him. He's not where he wants to be right now, but neither am I... I see the potential he has, and I believe he sees mine. That's what I like. Not rushing feels good... Not having to impress and put on a show feels wonderful!
For a while I was apprehensive about dating because there aren't too many friendships anymore. Guys talk to girls because in the end, they expect sex. And sex is something I don't want to give. Is it impossible to enjoy someone's company and just be with them without sex so soon? The word "waiting" seems to be moving into extinction as the generations progress. Many say, "You haven't met him yet, he's out there."
... Men and women alike have animal instincts...
The only difference is that women are better at suppressing those instincts than men. What does that mean?
He NEEDS to have sex...
We may click mentally, and enjoy each other very much but if he's not getting it from me, he'll get it from somewhere. That's what bothers me.

Conformity isn't my specialty... So I won't accept things for being the way they are, nor will I succumb to it.

I'm thinking of starting a new blog... New writing style... New form. I want my blog to be an interesting read... Something that touches all. I write for you... And I write for me. I figure maybe there's something going on in my life that you can relate to... Or something going on in my head that you think about as well... This is for you, as well as for me. What day will mark the dawn of a new blog?... Dunno yet.

I wish my speech was as eloquent as my writing. I try to make it so, but the words flow more freely from my brain to fingers than my brain to mouth. *shrugs* what can ya do?

... My 100th Post... Well done.

This Thing Called Trust

2010-02-02T18:04:00.000-08:00

The moment I start to let my guard down, start to trust people again... they remind me why I don't. You take what I tell you... I confided in you... and you twist it and mold it to where it's no longer MY story... You spread it like the plague... So now I'm feeling guilty when I'M THE VICTIM!

I confided in you...

All of you who decided to make decisions for me... Decided to take matters into your own hands... You're no better than my attacker. YOU ALL attacked me. Stripped me of my voice. Forced yourselves into the equation when this matter was mine to handle on my own. He may have attacked me physically, but you attacked me mentally and emotionally. I came to you to discuss this, to get advice from my "FRIENDS" to help me figure out what I WANT TO DO... not what you think is best for me. And then you go and discuss my business with others! What happened to "what ever you want to know, you ask her... I know nothing"... Discretion!

And the one person I needed... the ONE person who claims to be my best friend... always gonna be there for me, was nowhere to be found. When I needed you... you weren't there. There was nothing I wouldn't do for you... And all of this I'm going through WHERE ARE YOU?! My body is unstable and my emotions are too and you're missing... But that's ok... Cause I'm over it. I'm over friendships. Don't come by, don't talk to me ever again. All of you... disappear.

Change

2010-01-26T13:33:00.000-08:00

You see, I know change... I see change... I embody change... All we do is change

Yeah, I know change

We are born to change... We sometimes regard it as a metaphor that reflects the way things ought to be.

In fact change takes time... It exceeds all expectations... It requires both now and then.

See although the players change... The song remains the same... And the truth is...

YOU GOTTA HAVE THE BALLS TO CHANGE...

WHO DAT SAY DEY GON BEAT DEM SAINTS!!!!

2010-01-24T20:04:00.001-08:00

Opening and Closing Doors

2010-01-24T11:59:00.000-08:00

You know how in every building, Architects put in doors to let some people walk in and let some others walk out. That's how I look at the "doors" in my life. To achieve my goals and dreams it's essential to let certain people into my life because I can't get there from here by myself. I can't do it alone... No matter how good I am.

My "doors" serve the purpose of letting me choose who will gain entrance into my life. We all have people we need to let out of our lives, family members who have gotten toxic, someone from Facebook, MySpace, etc. I know it'll take courage to let people out and lock the door after they're gone. But that's how I'll remain healthy.

I'm pretty sure there are people in each and every one of our lives right now who we have to let out of our lives in order to get to a healthy place. If we allow them to stay around, they'll inhibit us in reaching our goals and dreams.

So... in a nutshell... I'm letting go of a few people... They're stunting my growth.

2010-01-23T15:05:00.000-08:00

I've made a decision regarding my education. I'm leaving Howard. There's something in me fighting to get out and I've got to do something about it. There are many nay-say'ers out there... But this isn't their life to live. It's mine. And I'll climb MY hills and fight MY battles without their opinions and help. I don't want it... I don't need it. As a matter of fact, unless they follow me on blogger (which they don't), they don't even need to know. It's none of their business... So here I go.

Here... I'll Explain It To You.

Just Go

The Strong Black Woman

A Slice of Life We Don't Think About Enough

Stoop Sitting

And I'm Playing With YOUR Emotions?!

The Desire to LIVE

8 Thoughts

The Kids

It's Like That

I'll Take It All

Like A Child Waiting On Santa...

Love? Or Just The Thought Of It?

Right on Time

Stay With Me...

Have A Good One

One Love... (Repost)

*Shrugs*

You Scared?!

The Definition... Well, mine.

The Cool

Shades of Grey

Rebound

My Baby

The Sprinter

A Soul Mate Is...

Voltaire

An Attempt to Enlighten

Hop Scotch!

Why I Read... So Much.

Genius

Romancing Your Soul

What, Exactly?

Seattle

Walk With Me

POW!

Reapplication

The Woman

An Excerpt From My Notebook

Moleskine

You can't NOT like this video... Ever.

A Thought Amongst Thoughts

They Thought I Was Crazy

Maybe I'm Mad... Or just normal.

The Underdog

Consideration?

As Time Draws Near...

To know...

Disconnected

Light Venting

Levels of Respect

Heart vs. Mind

Sources of Anger

Haiku

Religion

Peace and Well-Being

Books...

Untitled

For Who?

One Love...

Naked.

Window Seat

I'm Getting Pretty Dang Good At This!

Hiatus

Make A Move!

Stay Inspired

Mutual?... No.

Let Go...

Never Gets Old...

Diggy Simmons

Fly Guy

My Work Thus Far... Whatcha Think?!

Procrastination

Aftermath

Culture of Creativity

So Far Gone

Pursuit of Happiness

Heart to Heart

Privacy

Semi-Closure

Shrugs